Remember when you were in high school, looking forward to college and all the incredible things you’d do with your life? And then you enrolled, and in the first week you got so drunk partying with strangers that you showed up to poli-sci 101 half-dressed and tried to fuck the professor’s desk? And how you went on to become the first student in that prestigious institution’s 120-year history to ever be expelled for fucking a professor’s desk? And now you’re writing articles ranking fictional colleges on a comedy website? Ha ha, up yours, Dean Westmorland!
#9. Adams College From Revenge Of The Nerds
Pros: Football team is populated by men in their 30s, probably better trained than most. Easy access to David Bowie montages.
Cons: Poor handling of numerous sex crimes. Every type of discrimination possible.
In Brief: This university apparently has a great computer program, but has no one on staff to teach students or faculty how to interact in a remotely human way with women, homosexuals, minorities, children, or anyone else they might encounter. Some of these students are clearly on the spectrum; is there a place for them to get counseling if they need it? There’s just so much wrong here — can a single fraternity have a monopoly on the football team? And show me where in the college handbook it says a frat can usurp a dorm?
Also, it can’t be stressed enough, the chief nerd in this movie disguises himself and has sex with a member of the Pi Delta Pi sorority, tricking her into thinking he’s her boyfriend.
But not before selling illegal revenge porn of her to the entire campus.
You may recognize this behavior by its more common, shorter description: rape. Rape is a key plot point in this comedy. And it’s actually played for laughs. How many movies have you ever seen that used the entire act of rape as a joke? Also, it makes her fall in love with him, because why not!? This school is dangerous for any number of reasons, not the least of which is Booger roaming its campus, prepared to rape a woman if he thinks he deserves her more than her boyfriend does.
Bonus points for the montage when the nerds are looking for new housing and a frightening older woman alludes to wanting a sexual relationship with the clearly underage Wormser. Rape and pedophilia! Adams College has it all!
#8. Pacific Tech From Real Genius
Pros: No discernible age limitations on admission. Also a strong network of hidden tunnels/caves.
Cons: Exceptionally high nerd population, apparently only one female student. Potential to be assaulted by man in the walls.
In Brief: This is a highly specialized, potentially evil little school meant for hyper geniuses. They may be working on top-secret weapons, but at least they can have zany fun in their downtime!
The upside of this school seems to be their desire to bend over backwards to make sure they get you enrolled, provided you’re a genius. The downside is that they lost at least one student, and not just in the sense he left campus; he left life. And now he lives in the walls. And no one knows. Didn’t that guy’s parents come looking for him? How did the school account for a missing student like that?
Also potentially an issue is the fact that the school is trying to get children to develop weapons to murder people from space. Is that usual? This may be one to sleep on for a night before enrolling.
#7. UC Sunnydale From Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Pros: Smoking hot girls with superpowers.
Cons: Everyone dies. Constantly.
In Brief: This is the University of California, Sunnydale campus, in the world of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, meaning everyone who attends this school is either a murderer of some kind or a victim.
If I recall correctly, there is also a massive, government-run agency beneath the university that is doing experiments on various monsters and demons up to and including creating a human-demon cyborg. That’s absolutely terrible. Is this what tuition is being spent on? No wonder California has all those budget problems. Just preposterous.
Other on-campus issues include the prevalence of witches who can do actual magic, beer that turns people into cavemen, werewolves, and these fuckin’ guys:
This is who runs every campus radio station.
I am not taking out crippling student loans to hang out in the quad with hell’s version of Jehovah’s Witnesses.
#6. Monsters University From Monsters University
In Brief: This school exists solely to teach monsters how to terrify children and thus produce the screams that power the monsters’ entire universe. So the unbridled terror of humanity is their fossil fuel. That’s absolutely horrifying. They’re fear leeches, sustaining themselves on our dread. Isn’t that the most existentially awful thing you’ve ever heard? An institution dedicated to terror. Like ISIS. Mike Wazowski is ISIS. A little one-eyed, apparently Polish ISIS.
“Sorry, I’m pledging Al Qaeda Gamma.”
All that aside, how is this yet another school that lets students determine their future based on some kind of silly, one-day competition at the end of the year? What the hell is the reason to attend school up to that point? Suppose Mike had diarrhea on the day of the competition. He still would have had the knowledge to succeed; he just would have been literally shitting the day away and thus would have failed. This is no way to run a college.
#5. Harrison University From Old School
Pros: Very open policy for allowing frat activity.
Cons: Frat members who die and/or have ropes tied to their penises makes for an off-putting learning environment.
In Brief: There’s a real problem in fictional colleges with dynamic fraternities (do they ever make movies about sororities that don’t include serial killers?) at really shitty schools. Harrison University is run by a formulaic Dean assbot, in this case played by Jeremy Piven. He exists just to be a pain in the ass for the frat. In fairness, it’s a frat made up of old men who don’t attend the school and that should be a point of concern for any school official. Is that even allowed anywhere in real life?
Frat activities include K-Y Jelly wrestling, so that’s not bad, but then again it’s K-Y wrestling with old men who technically don’t even go to your school. This isn’t a frat so much as a giant sex crime. But everyone is OK with it, which makes one wonder about the mental health on campus, especially since students seem foolish enough to want to hang out with pervy old men and sleep with them.
“Nah, it’s cool. She doesn’t even go here; she’s still in high school.”
Of potential concern for prospective students is that the dean is willing to blackmail uninvolved, successful students to sabotage a mostly irrelevant fraternity. If your entire education can be destroyed because the dean hates some guys you’ve never met, you may want to consider correspondence school.
#4. South Harmon Institute Of Technology From Accepted
Pros: Really open curriculum.
Cons: The people here were rejected by DeVry.
“The letter said they only take hamburgers.”
In Brief: Any school that has Lewis Black on staff is probably at least worth touring. As an added bonus, this entire school was faked, so there is no real curriculum. Instead, students who were so desperately awful they couldn’t get into community colleges were allowed to pursue their own interests.
Classes include History of Beer, Masturbation, Bullshitting, Gunsmithing, and Intermediate Slacking. Plus there’s more “SHIT” jokes than you can shake a stick at. It gets to the point where you may audibly ask the screen to stop it. Just give it up already.
#3. Faber College From Animal House
Pros: This is the school from Animal House. Come on.
Cons: Everyone may be dead now. The dean is a borderline psychopath.
In Brief: In fairness, you have to be on the fence about this school. There’s no way it should rank No. 1 on anyone’s list, because the school itself sucks balls. Like, hard. The dean conspires with students to have an entire fraternity expelled. And it works; they don’t get to go back to school in the end. Now, we know some of them still go on to have successful lives based on the very short epilogues, but let’s be reasonable: This school fucking sucks. The dean is just an outrageous asshole.
Thin, sober, and dickish is no way to go through life, pops.
Faculty dynamics aside, the student body excels at providing whimsical nicknames. If you need a kick-ass nickname, this is the place to be. Plus Otis Day shows up to play a frat party; that’s pretty awesome. Most frats rely on an iTunes playlist of Bruno Mars and Dave Matthews Band.
On the upside for Faber, it just seems like so much fun going here, even getting kicked out is worth it. And hey, maybe you’ll get to bang the dean’s wife.
#2. Springfield U From The Simpsons
Pros: The crusty old dean is in his 30s, seems reasonable. Nerdy roommates go above and beyond to help even the worst student succeed.
Cons: How many years have those three nerds been attending school? And didn’t faculty and students here once mistake 8-year-old Lisa for a student? Maybe no one here is all that bright.
In Brief: Founded in 1952, Springfield U is the most prestigious school in Springfield, or will be until the writers think of a different one. I suggest “West Springfield U.” Springfield actually has two other schools, one called Springfield Heights Institute of Technology, which is the same “SHIT” joke Accepted made, and the other is Springfield A&M, which has a pig.
But was founded by a cow.
Homer attended Springfield U to learn nuclear physics, a class most schools don’t seem to offer these days. He got through with the help of some mega-nerds and pulled some pranks on the dean at the same time. Then the dean forgives not just the pig-stealing prank but attempted vehicular homicide. And Homer still passes his class. This school is pretty amazing.
#1. Barnett College From Indiana Jones
Pros: The school is willing to pay to have Professor Jones hunt down supernatural artifacts while fighting Nazis.
Cons: There may not be any other classes/faculty at this school.
In Brief: This is one of the schools where Indiana Jones teaches. Remember how in two of the movies he spends six minutes teaching? It’s not an all-girls school; it just looks like one because ladies in the ’30s wanted to pork Harrison Ford so badly they were willing to learn about archaeology.
In a stark contrast to Jones’ popularity as a teacher and the fact that he’s such an amazing archaeologist that he saves the world a few times and finds things that were once possessed by God, the school puts him up in the boiler room instead of an office. What the fuck do you need to do to get tenure here?
“Not fucking your students would help …”
Unfortunately, it seems like Jones is not in his boiler room/office very often, so it’s possible no learning gets done at this school at all. On the upside, your professor fights Nazis. Odds are the rest of your professors fight athlete’s foot and gout. This is a real step up from most schools. Also, if Jones teaches archaeology, let’s just assume that the rest of the faculty is equally cool. Like Neil deGrasse Tyson teaching astrophysics and Hunter S. Thompson teaching English. Yes, I assume the school has a time machine.
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