Dear head pro,
I met this guy at a party a few months ago and we really hit it off. Because it’s summer and we go to different colleges, I assumed that this would turn into a fun, casual, non-exclusive summer fling. However, after a few times of hanging out he started to drop hints that he wanted to be more than casual. He told me that his parents really liked me (I went over his house a few times), he couldn’t wait to see me or he missed me (this happened a few times), and even suggested going on a hike together. I also went away for three weeks this summer and we would talk every day.
The point is, I really like talking to him and spending time with him and I would definitely like to see him when we’re home on break, but I’m not trying to get into a relationship. We haven’t defined the relationship, so I know that it’s within my rights to be talking to other guys, but I feel bad because he clearly likes me a lot more than I like him. I’ve tried to drop some hints about not being exclusive but I don’t think that they’re going through. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I do want him to know that I just don’t feel the same way about him. How do I make it clear that this is really just a friends with benefits situation?
Just trying to have a fun summer
Obviously a little late to this one, but that’s kind of irrelevant because the same advice applies: you deflect. You were kind of in an ideal situation here in that while you could sense his feelings getting stronger, you had an automatic out coming when you left for your respective colleges. You treat him kind of like someone you met on an extended spring breakhave all the fun you want, and as long as no one’s drunkenly booking plane tickets on Kayak, future plans mean NOTHING.
The truth is, you don’t NEED to tell someone you only like fucking them, because a) that’s kind of a shitty thing to say to someone and b) they’ll figure that out anyway. If in mid-September he’s still blowing up your phone, all the standard brush-offs apply: You feel like things are best left where they were, you don’t want to be in a LDR in college, etc. The best part is, you’re not even lyingyou’re just not telling him the full truth.
Honestly unless he’s a complete loser (in which case, shame on you), he’s probably doing his own thing anyway. Like bad Harambe jokes, it’s best to leave things in the summer where they belong.
Dear Head Pro,
I know all these hot guys, but I don’t think any of them ever want me or like me even as a friend. I get their numbers, but they never text first and barely respond when I do. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong or why they find me so annoying and eventually come to hate me. I stopped trying with them and found some new hot guys to start over with, but before I contact these new hot guys, I need some advice on how to get them interested and engaged rather than turn them off again.
P.S. Sorry about the weird ass email address; it’s an anonymous account.
Lol, brilliant secret agent work with the email address. That’s step #1, stop apologizing for trivial bullshit like email addresses. No one likes someone who’s in a constant state of self-loathing, always fumbling over themselves to point out their shortcomings. Unless you’re Canadian, in which case it’s a form of foreplay.
You need to, like, shift your entire paradigm here. You have a bunch of hot guys in your life yet they don’t seem interested, which most people would recognize as a sign that they’re, uh, not interested. And then when you “find” new hot guys, you “get” their numbers. I’m all for women taking initiative and whatnot, but you’ll find that the aggressive, role-reversal approach fails more often than it works.
But since you’re into that, put yourself in their shoes: If some guy who you did not approach came up and demanded your number, would YOU text him first? I think not. And then if he aggressively contacted you anyway, would you magically come to love him? No chance.
I’m not advocating just sitting at the bar and looking pretty while you wait for guys to come to you, but I’m not advocating doing a little more of that. Guys are used to being proactive, and they’re not always comfortable playing catch-up. That’s not to say that a guy you meet proactively can’t or won’t be into you. But due to deeply-entrenched, very powerful social customs, you at least have the luxury of knowing that if HE approaches YOU, he’s probably digging you.
In general, spend more time worrying about having a good time when you’re out. Guys are drawn to that. We also happened to have written a whole book on the subject, which you should check out from your local library. Just kidding, buy that shit.